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Dante's Inferno: Will President Bush And Dick Cheney Burn In Hell?

Fat Burn CaloriesIt probably seems like a silly question to raise, whether George W. Bush and Dick Cheney will burn in hell. Obviously, they are going to hell. Professing your belief in Jesus Christ isn't going to be enough when every day your actions are in direct opposition to His teachings. That alone, the denial and corruption of Jesus Christ's teachings would be enough to guarantee that Pres. Liar and Dick "I Screwed My Wife Just To Get Out of Vietnam" Cheney will spent eternity as little more than roasted pigs turning around forever over a fire ignited by the millions of lies they've told over the course of their miserable excuses for lives. The real question becomes in which of Dante's concentric circles of hell will Pres. Bush and Dick Cheney wind up. And one must remember that Dante's hell is all hellfire.

We can immediately have Bush and Cheney pass through Dante's first circle of hell, because limbo is really no place for these two evildoers to spend eternity. Limbo is a place for the unbaptized and non-believers; I fully accept that Bush and Cheney do believe in Jesus Christ. They just think he's a fool. If Christ were alive today, He'd be shuffled off to jail as a potential terrorist threat. The second circle of Dante's hell is for the lustful. Obviously, anyone who has seen those famous photos of Pres. Bush staring lustily at Condi "White" Rice, or who watched his perverse and incredibly creepy assault on Angela Merkel knows that Laura Bush's chastity belt was only allowed to come off once, probably in a cocaine haze in which she didn't really know what she was doing. So, yes, George W. could actually find him big fat butt getting blisters in hell there. Unfortunately, for him he's doing far worse than lusting after other women. As for Dick Cheney, well, who knows. The man only screwed his wife just so he could produce offspring and thereby guarantee he wouldn't have to actually fight in the jungles of Vietnam for the principles he takes such pride espousing through his misshapen mouth.

The third circle of Hell according to Dante is reserved for gluttons. Well, clearly Dick Cheney enjoys feasting on the bodies of young Muslim babies, so he deserves to burn there. And, let's face it, George W. Bush is no Brad Pitt. I'm sure Bush must have some abdominal muscles under his flab, but no one alive has ever seen them. This would be a perfect place for Bush's Butt Buddy, that gargantuan piece of bloated inhumanity known as Karl Rove, but Satan has reserved a special place for his favorite demon.

We're getting close when we arrive at Dante's fourth circle of hell. Dick Cheney will feel right at home here. This site is reserve for those who care only for money. When it all comes out in the wash, I suppose the actual amount of money that Dick Cheney has earned as a result of creating an unnecessary war and killing thousands of innocent young Americans will reach at least a billion dollars. Dick Cheney's reason for sending your sons and daughters to die horrifically has nothing to do with terrorism; it's so he can make enough money to buy the most expensive masturbation machine in history. Not that George W. Bush doesn't love money as well, so he would be at home alongside Dick Cheney, perhaps even getting off himself while he watches Dick use his masturbation machine.

The fifth circle of Dante's hell is for the wrathful and the slothful. Not too much more need to be mentioned on this topic. Their fat bellies and laughter and dancing while others die for their profit motives speaks volumes. Dante's sixth circle, meanwhile, is for heretics. What could be more heretical than cooking up a phony war in the name of Christ? Yes, it is easily to see George W. Bush enjoying the administration of the French arts of love while gazing down lovingly at Dick Cheney's malformed mouth in this level of hell.

The seventh circle of Dante's hell is reserved for the violent. This is troublesome, of course, since neither Cheney nor Bush possess the necessary testicular enlargement to fight for what they believe in by themselves. They are, like most rich spoiled brats, content to get someone to fight for them. Nonetheless, they both do enjoy drinking down the blood of those innocents they've sent off to die for their own particular economic gains, so it is clear that they will both be spending some time here. They will almost certainly visit the inner ring of the seventh circle, where the blasphemers roast. I can't think of two other men who have so blasphemed the Christian virtues they piously pretend to uphold while in fact taking actions that would make Lucifer beam with so much pride that he could illuminate even the dark chasm that exists where Dick Cheney's soul should be.

The eighth circle of Dante's hell is for the fraudulent. Wow. Let's see, nothing that George W. Bush or Dick Cheney have ever said is the truth; they lie consistently and constantly about everything under the sun. Bush and Cheney are the two biggest frauds in contemporary history; two men so passionate about misleading the misguided people who have believed their steady stream of lies that the only competence they have exhibited during their entire administration is a talent for constructing a foundation of fallacies that positively stretch the limits of the imagination of even the most dedicated abuser of LSD.

Nevertheless, it is the final circle, the deepest pit of hell, where George W. Bush and Dick Cheney will spend eternity. Though you never witness the brutal deaths of American soldiers on the liberal, left-wing, radical communist American television media, rest assured that the horrific deaths at the expense of bombings that would never have happened had the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the will of the American people in 2000 will pale in comparison to the brutality that Bush and Cheney will experience in their eternal damnation. The very worst crime that one commit according to Dante is betrayal, and Bush and Cheney have betrayed not just an entire nation, but-all the worse for them-the very tenets of Christianity. This final circle of Hell will be the final resting place of Bush and Cheney, but you cannot spend the rest of your own life enjoying the idea of these two world-class betrayers spending their eternity watching their own burned flesh sliding off their bones like a tender piece of barbecue at your favorite all you can eat buffet. No, this final resting place for Bush and Cheney is as cold as the black hearts that beat solidly within their chests even as they know the evil they have perpetrated upon the youth of America.

In this circle, the ultimate betrayal for now is still Judas Iscariot. He will soon be replaced by Bush and Cheney. According to Dante, Judas' punishment is to spend eternity with his head in the mouth of Satan while his back is flayed by the claws of Lucifer. It doesn't take much to assume that both Bush and Cheney will one day have their infinestimal testicles scrambling deeply into their scrotum from the insanely icy cold that is the hallmark of this circle of hell. Dick Cheney's perversely deformed mouth will doubtless be held to answer for a lifetime of deceit. It will also be interesting just how often Pres. George W. Bush unleashes his smarmy, smart-ass smirk in the pits of hell as he tortured for eternity for his betrayal of every single American and for the blood that drips from not only his hands but from his deadly uninformed eyes.

Will Bush and Cheney burn in Hell? No. But don't be alarmed. Their anuses will pucker from the intense freezing temperatures as they parade around nude and answer for their evils by being sodomized by their partners in betrayal.

By Timothy Sexton - Timothy Sexton was honored by being named the very first Writer of the Year of Associated Content, now known as Yahoo! Contributor Network. Timothy has published two novels and contributed chapters to S...  

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